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Month: July 2016

My take on religion

My take on religion

Everyone has their own personal relationship with God. It develops over time and I have no doubt that my relationship is different from Leah’s, especially right now. I never grew up with any sort of religious background. Worship or attending church was not part of my life but God also was not excluded either. I would say that my relationship with God over the years has transformed from atheism to agnosticism to belief in Him. There’s quite a journey that…

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Tomorrow is promised to no one

Tomorrow is promised to no one

When I decide that I want to see my daughter, I wish that didn’t mean I had to get in the car and drive 20 minutes to a cemetery to see her. That’s the truth. I want to be able to get up, walk into the nursery and find her asleep. But instead, the drive to Riverside is the best that I can ever get. I can never be closer than three feet to her. That can do a lot…

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The tattoo (again) and the garden

The tattoo (again) and the garden

Leah and I woke up around 9:00 AM. We were meeting at 10:00 AM for breakfast with her dad and her stepmom. As I mentioned before, they planned on getting tattoos with us a while ago and I was both honored and excited we could do this. It was helpful having two people with us that had experience in this area. Leah and I were newbies. I made a remark a while back about there being a lack of experience…

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Hang on tight.

Hang on tight.

I’ve been reading a book my mother-in-law bought us shortly after we lost Aveline called When The Bough Breaks, by Judith Bernstein. I’ll be honest — as much as I love reading self help books, the inspiring things I read usually leave my mind the second I put the book down. I quickly forget all the helpful tips and revert back to my normal ways of handling things. Stubbornness I guess. But this passage in the book really spoke to…

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The return to work

The return to work

As I mentioned last night, I had a lot of obsessions about work. I managed to fall asleep somewhere between 12:30 or 1:00 AM. Like I had said before, I developed this habit (good or bad who knows) of staying up very late. It was my escape from the every day pressures of all the emotions I faced. As I watched Netflix I dreaded each minute as they passed completely nervous about what my return to work would bring. But,…

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The night before work

The night before work

Anxiety is not generally an issue for me. Every once in a while I can get nervous about things but it’s usually irrational and comes out of no where. I have only two great fears and that’s spiders and heights. If I were sitting here waiting to board a plane, I would be very nervous. If I were sitting in the shed in our backyard in the dark, I would also be scared. That’s about how I feel right now…

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Anger

Anger

Anger is one of the emotions I have struggled to control throughout my life. It comes and goes with me, but when it takes hold it can be hard to rid myself of just like a bad cold. Every once and great while, that anger can progress closer to rage. I felt that today. By the time I was home, I just wanted to smash things. I wanted to scream and I wanted to be angry. I didn’t but that…

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“What if..”

“What if..”

I woke up incredibly sad today. That’s really nothing new. Every morning when I open my eyes, I feel like I am reliving Ava’s passing all over again. My first thought is always “My baby is gone, and she’s never coming home.” How do you motivate yourself to even get out of bed after a thought like that? I’m so thankful for Ryan, because if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t get out of bed at all most days. He’s…

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Saying Goodbye

Saying Goodbye

The funeral was something that I thought I would handle alright, but the difficulty in handling it didn’t become apparent until maybe a day before. Ava was buried on July 15. Leah and I mentioned a few times that from the point that this all began on July 8 through the day of the funeral; we were consumed with doing things for Ava. There were many things to consider. We had to find a place to bury her, we had…

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The Gravestone. The tattoo. The nursery.

The Gravestone. The tattoo. The nursery.

Today was more of a difficult day for me. I know that before any of this happened with Ava I was the type of person that could be a bad mood for no reason. Maybe that’s like everybody else, who knows. I woke up this morning in a somber mood. I never pinpointed exactly what was causing my mood to head south but I suspected its the typical “I hate having to live this way” attitude that rears its ugly…

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