Everyone has their own personal relationship with God. It develops over time and I have no doubt that my relationship is different from Leah’s, especially right now. I never grew up with any sort of religious background. Worship or attending church was not part of my life but God also was not excluded either. I would say that my relationship with God over the years has transformed from atheism to agnosticism to belief in Him. There’s quite a journey that caused me to reach that point and as I mentioned in previous posts, I will eventually talk about it. It all fits into the bigger picture. But for now, let’s just focus on the last three weeks and where my beliefs fit into this.
In a prior post I mentioned that I am a believer. I do believe in God and I believe that He took my daughter. I hope to find an answer some day and there are days when I am really angry at Him. It varies. Leah and I have had many conversations about God, Heaven and what have you but out of respect for her I am not going to talk about what she and I have discussed as it pertains to her beliefs . I feel that is her right and not mine as it is her relationship with God to talk about.
I don’t think it takes church to believe. I don’t think it takes reading the Bible to believe either although I have heard many times you are supposed to read it. I have not done so yet. I have read a total of maybe ten pages out of the Bible so what I am about to say is strictly my personal opinion. If any of you know more than I do, that’s fine I intend to offend no one.
All I know is the following. For whatever reason, Ava was given a third-degree heart block. This heart block as I have understood up to now is the cause of an autoimmune disorder of some sort that Leah has had for an unknown amount of time, unknown to anyone. This was all one big fat secret that was not to rear its ugly head until it was too late. Decisions were made that eventually caused Ava to be born premature and after only about three days, she was taken from this earth. For all of this to happen, the 1/25,000 chance of this had to actually happen first. On top of that, this was not to be discovered early enough to decide to leave her in utero regardless of whether or not it was known she had heart block. Instead, this was to be discovered on Leah’s 24-week checkup, which is more or less the cutoff for fetal viability outside the womb as far as the medical community is concerned. If this were discovered earlier than 24 or 23 weeks, no matter what was discovered Ava would have been left alone. If for some reason only hearing Ava’s heartbeat for a brief moment on the Doppler was good enough (which was definitely possible), this would not have been discovered until 28 weeks. This would have drastically improved Ava’s chances of survival if she were delivered then. So let’s just summarize this into one sentence. God said, “I am going to make the impossible possible and you aren’t going to like it.”
This was where I figured a few times God had it out for both of us, and Ava. I have no idea why and I can’t tell you how many times it was a temptation to believe this was punishment. At my angriest times, I saw this as God saying we or I was not fit for parenthood or I had to be punished for past mistakes in life. Either way, I didn’t see how Ava fit into the picture. The majority of the time, including now, I tend to believe that although I don’t understand why, Ava was not ever used as a weapon against Leah and I. It just didn’t seem to make sense to me. Somewhat contrary to that thought, I also didn’t understand why there would ever be a good reason to take an innocent child from this earth. I know Ava is not the only one. It happens far too often. And just so we are clear, if I am ever told, “God just didn’t have enough little angels,” I will not be happy. It’s one of the few times you could say something to really irritate me.
So here I am, God took my precious Ava and I don’t understand why. The circumstances were so remote for all this to unfold the way that it did. This had to be God giving me one heck of an F— you. That was the part that was very difficult for me to understand and I still don’t. But, to make this post even more complicated and perhaps pointless, I can technically only blame God for heart block and allowing Ava to leave this world. I can’t blame him for the human intervention that took place to deliver Ava. That was all on humanity. So God gets some of the blame and humans get the other. As you can see, blaming someone for this is getting harder and harder. Assigning blame, in my opinion, is what anyone in this situation would try to do– more than once.
I had to reconcile this problem somehow. I really only had one choice. I had to decide if by being angry with God meant that I shouldn’t talk to Him. In one of my previous posts I mentioned that we were on speaking terms. That’s where I am still at today. It’s how I arrived there that was hard. I believe Ava is in heaven and I believe she is doing something amazing even if I don’t know what. In order for any of that to actually be true I have to believe in God completely. Not just halfway. I had to just have faith that she was in a good place and she was in good hands. I want to question Him and I hope that someday I will understand. But for now I can’t. I will be angry with Him and I don’t know for how long. But I will still talk to Him and trust Him, for now.
There were gifts that were given to me as the result of Ava. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that can replace the time I had with her both before and after she passed. I could have had even less time than what I was given. I met the most precious person in my life only three weeks ago. I got to call her my daughter, I got to feel her touch, see her move and watch her fight valiantly for her life. As angry as I am that was all I got, I am grateful I was given what I have.