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Month: August 2016

August 30, 2016

August 30, 2016

Leah mentioned something about the 5 stages of grief and what she actually felt it was like. She found a photo online that described it well. I am not sure if this is the one, but this just about sums up the 5 stages for both of us. Not sure how the copyright laws work but here’s the link on how I found it. https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjjteyYnerOAhXCYyYKHRfYDMgQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amylutes.com%2F31-days%2F&bvm=bv.131286987,d.cGc&psig=AFQjCNHTpv3b4M43XpwtxrTxaiN-JRDIEQ&ust=1472683883293189 The whole 5 stages thing that comes right out of a textbook is a total…

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Man oh man

Man oh man

I don’t know why I seem to always take a trip back down memory lane to my early sobriety days. Well I know why, it’s just something I try not to talk about too much even though there is a lot I have learned from it. It is also probably my subconscious screaming at me to get back into a normal routine with meetings. Anyways, the reason I wanted to talk about my sobriety for just a moment is because of…

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Four Years

Four Years

Tomorrow is our four year anniversary. It feels like forty years; for so many reasons. The story of Ryan and I meeting and “dating” is a complicated one. We entered the relationship equally broken, but in different ways. I had a history of bad relationships, and he had a history of drug abuse. A match made in hell. As it always goes, our relationship was perfect for the first couple of years. Hopeless romantics. Meant to be. So in love….

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Check-In

Check-In

I don’t think I have written in a few days now. I haven’t put any holes in the wall since then so no matter what, that’s good news to report. I can see where it can get hard for someone to write about their experience of losing a child every single day. Unless I were to walk you through every little thing that I do, there wouldn’t be much difference in the things that I write. There’s no rule anywhere…

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Compassion, Respect and Understanding…

Compassion, Respect and Understanding…

I am thinking of the statement “I can’t put into words…” or, “Words cannot express…” and I find myself thinking how the statement can be overused or this go-to for when you just don’t know what to say. I want to use that statement right now. It is difficult to describe the overall feeling of what it has been like to lose Ava. Like Leah said, I don’t even like using the words die, death or dead. The words are…

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Is Ava In Heaven?

Is Ava In Heaven?

For the first couple of weeks after Ava’s death I wasn’t even sure I believed there was a God, let alone a heaven. But you look around the world long enough and you come to the realization that, although there are so many crappy things about life, there are too many beautiful things that cannot be explained in any other way. So I think I’m passed that point. In a way, I feel like I have to be. What is…

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Venting

Venting

I just need to vent. The complication of venting to the public is knowing that there will be people who read this and think I’m talking or venting about them. Let me preface this post by making it clear that this post is not, in any way, directed at one or two people in particular. It is directed at society, at how the world works, at what humans are taught when it comes to grieving. I hope no one takes…

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Ebb and Flow

Ebb and Flow

The last couple of days have been tough.. really tough. We had good days Friday and Saturday, so I guess it should come as no surprise to us that eventually our world would feel like it was crashing down again, but it seemed to come out of nowhere. We spent Friday night and Saturday night with friends. It was nice to laugh, to talk about regular things, to talk about Ava without crying. I felt almost normal. As normal as…

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Reality – an afterthought.

Reality – an afterthought.

I had plenty of time today to ponder a lot of things, especially around the circumstances that unfolded which triggered my last post. This entire nightmare, from the very moment that we walked into that OB office all the way through now has been one roller coaster ride I never wanted to get on. The despair and frustration I feel at times can be overwhelming. There have been many “okay” moments over the last month or so, but it doesn’t…

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Reality

Reality

It has been a couple of days since I last wrote. Reality is an excellent topic of choice for discussion right now. Leah and I had our fair share of problems before Ava was born. We were both focused on things that simply didn’t matter. At the time, we thought they mattered. My perspective shifted considerably after Ava was born and after we lost her. I told myself how much my focus would be different and just how much life…

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