I had plenty of time today to ponder a lot of things, especially around the circumstances that unfolded which triggered my last post. This entire nightmare, from the very moment that we walked into that OB office all the way through now has been one roller coaster ride I never wanted to get on. The despair and frustration I feel at times can be overwhelming. There have been many “okay” moments over the last month or so, but it doesn’t change the fact that yesterday was a serious reality check. For me at least.
I have contemplated fixing the holes in the wall. You might think that I would just rush right to Lowe’s and get them all patched up. Only one is a hole, the other is close to being a hole. I almost need the reminders right now. I had to walk into the closet where I created the second hole this evening and the very second that I looked at it I was disgusted. I was so embarrassed for myself. It doesn’t change the fact that it happened. But this was the reality check that probably inevitably would have happened. I wish that it had not turned out this way but once again I can wish in one hand and crap in the other.
The anger that I felt last night was nothing like I ever felt before. I don’t hold Leah accountable for it. It should never ever matter what she says to me I should never get that angry. And never in my life have I ever put a hole in anything out of anger. I will scream and yell just about everything under the sun but I have never put a hole in the wall. This is all uncharted territory. This was not part of my plans for life.
There isn’t a play-by-play for this. For either one of us. I never saw this coming. I really believed that Leah and I were going to get through this unscathed by our past behaviors. What we never planned was the fact that Ava could be a reason for us to be upset with one another. I know deep down that we both reacted the way we did because we both are so sensitive to everything about Ava right now. I at least understand it, but I am still beyond embarrassed.
It is important that I now elaborate on the fact that what Leah was initially concerned about, she had every right to feel. I should have heard her out and took the supportive role I had taken so many times before. I chose to take something personally when I shouldn’t have and jump on the offense. I agree with what she has been saying to me all along for the last 24 hours. I only wish that it hadn’t taken a huge fight and a big mistake on my part to understand.
Ava is everything to me. I know she is everything to Leah. Neither one of us wants to do anything that would in any way tarnish the honor of her life. She should be just as important as any living child in our family and that should never, ever change. Unfortunately, my focus has been so much on sorting things about between Ava, myself and Leah that I have not really paid much attention to anyone else. But now, I can understand why she feels the way that she does. And I do agree with her and I am proud of how much she holds sacred the memory of Ava and the true importance she has to both of us.
None of what I am saying excuses my behavior. I just wanted it to be “publicly” known that even when I am honest about my mistakes I also should be honest about where I am wrong and where I can see where I have misunderstood her. It really isn’t just about a hole in the wall, there is certainly more to it than that.
I don’t want to go on and on about it, but this entire situation has weighed very heavily on my conscience. There is nothing I can do to erase the past. All I can do is regret my mistakes, learn from them and hopefully prevent them from reoccurring. Although I said it before, I am very sorry to not only Ava but Leah too. I understand where she was coming from and sometimes I just have to listen and understand and help make things right. I know I will feel crappy about this for a while. I hope that I can make it up to Ava, even if it is only one day at a time for many years to come.