For the first couple of weeks after Ava’s death I wasn’t even sure I believed there was a God, let alone a heaven. But you look around the world long enough and you come to the realization that, although there are so many crappy things about life, there are too many beautiful things that cannot be explained in any other way. So I think I’m passed that point. In a way, I feel like I have to be. What is the point in living this human life and going through all of the pain and sorrow if there is no eternal life after this? It just doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m still angry as can be at God right now, and I’m being honest in saying that I don’t talk to him much at the moment, but I’m confident he’s there and that he’ll be ready and waiting for me when I’m ready to talk. Okay, so I believe God exists, but where is my baby? She obviously didn’t have the capacity to understand who God is and what it means to be saved at two days old. The sinful nature of Ryan and I is definitely not going to ensure her ticket to heaven. So how do I know if Ava is in heaven or not? It’s something I’ve thought about every day. I felt like if I knew for a fact that Ava was in heaven and I would see her again someday I would feel so much peace. Peace in knowing that she never experienced the awfulness of this world, she never suffered, she never experienced pain. Peace in knowing she was happy and whole and glowing. I was telling a friend today that I was frustrated with the bible because it’s always so vague and left open for interpretation. The bible never says “if your baby dies, he/she will go to heaven.” It is inferred in different ways, but it’s never just said as plainly as that. I told her that I had all these questions about where Ava was and I was trying to figure out how I could know for sure. I’ve cried about this, I’ve wrestled with it daily. I’ve dug deeply into bible resources and articles. I’ve never found the answer. Sometimes all it takes it someone giving you a different perspective and it suddenly just “clicks.” This friend simply asked me “where else would your baby go? She never sinned. She did nothing wrong. Where else could she be besides heaven?” And there was the “click” for me. I had never thought about it so simply. If I believe it is true that when we die we either go to heaven or hell, then I know that there is no possible way my baby could be in hell, so heaven is all that’s left. A God so loving as to give his life for us and create a place of eternity would not sentence my innocent child to never ending misery and suffering. He just wouldn’t do that, I’m sure of it. And if I, with all of my imperfections and sins, am worthy of going to heaven, Ava certainly is too. Relief has filled my soul since this friend offered her perspective. I let her words sink in and I have thought about it constantly tonight. I guarantee she has no idea how much peace she brought to me today with just a few words. It’s clearly true that God puts people in your life at just the right moment, in just the right way, to make all of the difference in the world.
So, do I believe that Ava is in heaven? Now, I do. I will see you again, my dear, sweet daughter. I love you to heaven and back again.