Browsed by
Month: September 2016

September 21, 2016

September 21, 2016

Ava has weighed very heavily on my heart the last couple of days. For the most part, I have this awareness every day of the fact Ava is gone. Sometimes that just means I know she isn’t with me, sometimes it means I miss her, or sometimes it just means I think about her in some way. The last 48 hours have been much more difficult. It has been more difficult to just simply look at a picture of her…

Read More Read More

dreaming of a future

dreaming of a future

It’s mind blowing to me how much grief is ever-changing. The first few weeks after Ava died, my grief tended to focus on my yearning to hold her, feed her, watch her sleep, and hold her little hands. I imagined her solely in her newborn state; completely dependent on mommy and daddy for everything. Tiny and helpless. Initially it was hard to imagine Ava as anything other than a newborn baby. I didn’t envision her as a toddler learning to…

Read More Read More

September 11, 2016

September 11, 2016

I think Leah and I are as far out on an island as we can be. I have often avoided saying this because it implies there’s no hope for us or that there’s nothing anyone can do. Losing Ava was a single event that triggered our lives to be permanently different. We will never go back to the people we were. I don’t know that we should even go back to the people we were anyway. I feel like we…

Read More Read More

September 10, 2016

September 10, 2016

I have had a bad case of writer’s block and for the last week I have been a little more depressed than I usually am. I’m sitting Ava’s room typing while Leah reads a book. Zoey was laying on the floor looking sound asleep and then all of a sudden she just jumped on my lap in need of my attention. I couldn’t help but smile and ask her what she needed. Ever since Ava passed away I have gotten…

Read More Read More

Proceed with caution: I’m feeling cranky.

Proceed with caution: I’m feeling cranky.

I’ve dreaded writing lately. Yet another problem with a public blog; everyone can read it — this includes family members, friends, people who’ve hurt you, people you’re angry with, people you’ll hurt if you write exactly how you feel. I truly have always been a peacekeeper (certain people will disagree, but I think it’s true). Sometimes I voice my opinion about things that upset me or things I don’t agree with, but 99% of the time, I eventually give in…

Read More Read More

Been a while… again

Been a while… again

Before you know it, your days just blend right together. Sometimes in good ways and sometimes bad. I find that the whole process of figuring out how to survive the world without Ava is complex. It is full of many turns, many setbacks and endless possibilities. The hopeful side of me wants to believe one of those possibilities is I will reach a peace in life where I am not only accepting of my life as it is, but that…

Read More Read More