I have had a bad case of writer’s block and for the last week I have been a little more depressed than I usually am. I’m sitting Ava’s room typing while Leah reads a book. Zoey was laying on the floor looking sound asleep and then all of a sudden she just jumped on my lap in need of my attention. I couldn’t help but smile and ask her what she needed. Ever since Ava passed away I have gotten even more attentive to the dog’s needs. I know it sounds crazy but what can I say. I know Zoey would have loved Ava as much as she loves Leah and I. She is the closest thing I have to a child right now which pisses me off more than I am choosing to write.
As I reflect back on what has happened since I last wrote, I am left with asking myself what I really have to write about that I haven’t already. I’m calling it writer’s block but maybe that’s just because it gets old feeling the same way every day. There are ups and downs and shifts from crappy to really crappy. This will never be predictable and there is no way to know exactly how life will unfold. I had a newfound sense of optimism after Ava passed away. It was probably my way of denying what really was going on. I believe all of this had a purpose– that there was some greater meaning. I find it to be harder and harder to believe that as time goes on.
I would never take away from what I know I feel about Ava. She will always be my daughter and I will always love her. She brought a lot into my life in a short amount of time. That hasn’t changed. As I go on in life and see more and more I start to see just how unjust the world is and how I can’t help but wonder why in the heck any of this that has happened seems fair. This really isn’t my desire to whine about how crappy my life is, it is more about being observant of the world around me. In one form or another, I see parents who take every chance they get to dump their kids off on someone else. I see parents who complain about their children. I see parents who get to have children that don’t even want them. When I see these things, I am just left with no words to say. I hate how my perspective is one that no one wants. My perspective is different from a lot of other people’s because they haven’t lost their children.
As much perspective as Ava has brought me in my own life, it has also opened my eyes to how much I can be disappointed in humanity (even more so than I already was). I have already said before I know 100 percent I took Ava for granted. I acted like she couldn’t be taken away and that she would inevitably come into my world. I had no reason to believe any different until July 8. Then everything I ever knew or believed about myself and other people changed forever. It really is unfortunate. A part of me just wishes I could forget all of it so that my perspective of this world could just be what it was before. Life seemed so much easier then.
We went to a wedding a couple of weeks ago and I remember just how different everything was. This was someone who Leah knew so I was more on the outside than she was. I remember just how out-of-place I felt the entire time. Ava being gone is carried around by me everywhere I go. There isn’t a place I am not thinking about her. I don’t think about her 100 percent of the time but she’s always with me. As we carried on these conversations with people, I constantly just thought to myself how everything was different and nothing would ever be the same. I couldn’t just go to a wedding and socialize and just talk about random things. Of course there are always moments where I do drift off into conversation but it never takes me long to come right back to reality.
The bride and her father danced as they traditionally do at weddings. I watched intently the entire time just recycling the same thoughts and emotions through my head over and over again. This was one of those moments that I dreamed of when Ava had not been born yet. It was one of the dreams that flashed through my mind about a million times as she was laying in the NICU and then about 1o million more times after she died. I watched the bride talk to her father and although I don’t remember I am sure they smiled and they talked about everything that had gotten them to that moment. How I would give anything to be able to have that with Ava. I was supposed to be able to do that in about 20 years, after years of memories and getting to know her.
I drifted off dreaming of what could be and every once in a while I would divert attention back to other people around me only to be reminded of what I did not have but wished I did. This is what I mean about perspective. The very second Ava was taken away from me, everything in the world that I could have done with Ava went with her. I was left with only with my imagination. I look at the world through the eyes of such a broken soul. Whether it’s good or bad I have no idea. My awareness of what people take for granted every day is challenging to say the least. I hate seeing people take for granted what was taken away from me.
No matter how I look at it, like I said in the beginning my optimism just isn’t what it used to be. I know that Ava has and will mean more to me than I will ever be able to express. I know that my life will have to go on because it will be forced to be that way. I will never forget her and I will love her always. I just wish I didn’t have to try so damn hard to be positive these days. Even if I don’t say it as much and it isn’t nearly as prevalent today, I really hope that somehow I get through this having found some sort of peace. I hope that I am able to live to be the person Ava would want me to be. With the world as it is today that’s a tall order. I don’t enjoy seeing everything I do and I don’t enjoy this new perspective I have been “given.”
I miss you, Ava. I am going to try as hard as I can to hold on. I certainly wouldn’t want to give up, if for no other reason than because I don’t want to let you down. Maybe I’m just in a slump right now ready to rebound any time. Let’s go with that.