Leah’s “Capture Your Grief: Day 3. What It Felt Like”

Leah’s “Capture Your Grief: Day 3. What It Felt Like”

Ava's First Ultrasound Photo

The first time I learned how scary pregnancy can be was in November 2015 when Ryan and I had a miscarriage. I, like most naive adults, assumed that aside from the episodes of nausea and the pain of delivery, pregnancy was almost always a breeze. We waited a couple of months and we started trying again.

Fast forward to February 2016. I had started bleeding and assumed I wasn’t pregnant and was having my period, but the flow was much lighter than normal. The normal heavy flow never came. I didn’t think a lot of it, but I had some other “pregnancy symptoms” that seemed out of the ordinary, so I decided to take a pregnancy test just to confirm I wasn’t pregnant. SURPRISE! I was. I immediately started bawling because I thought that because I was bleeding, I was having another miscarriage.

I had a couple of HCG level blood tests and it was confirmed that my numbers were doubling. I was approximately 5-6 weeks pregnant. You would think that would have put me at ease, but what you come to realize after you experience a loss, is that every time you reach a milestone in pregnancy, anxiety and worries about the next milestone start. You’re never at ease. We set up out first ultrasound at the end of February. I was scared to death.

The last time I had been to the OB office, they had told me that my pregnancy wasn’t viable. I didn’t know how I was going to handle myself if it happened again. The ultrasound technician called my name and took into the back of the building. I remember her saying, “let’s learn what baby’s birthday is going to be,” and all I could think about was how many assumptions she was making. You’d think an ultrasound technician would know better. Into the ultrasound room I go, and in goes the probe. An empty sac. That was it. I was devastated. The ultrasound technician said that maybe it was too early to see anything else, and scheduled me for a repeat ultrasound in 10 days. At that point, those were the longest 10 days of my life. I can’t really remember much of those days, but on March 4th, I clearly remember sitting in that OB office with Ryan, scared out of my mind, sure as could be that I was going to learn that my baby wasn’t developing. Into the room we go again, and in goes the probe. Immediately, we see the blinking dot on the screen, the heartbeat!My eyes filled with tears, my heart exploded, there she was in my tummy; her heart beating away. Imagine the happiest person you had ever seen, more happy that on your wedding day. That was me. I have never been more overjoyed. We were really going to have a baby.

And we did. Not the way we had hoped and dreamed for, not the way we imagined, not the way anyone should ever have to have a baby, but she came. We held her. We told her we loved her. We gave her as much love as we possibly could in the short time she was here. We truly gave her everything we had. To look back at the first ultrasound of her, I am it awe that my body, along with help from Ryan, made our beautiful, perfect little girl. Despite the buckets of tears, the pain, the raw heartache, I wouldn’t trade a second of time with our Ava. Momma loves you, baby girl.

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