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Category: Posts By Leah

“You’re so strong.”

“You’re so strong.”

“You’re so strong.” “How do you do it? How do you keep a good attitude when your child died?” “How can you even smile, or laugh, or have hope?” “You’re so brave. I couldn’t handle losing my child.” I know these word and questions are meant with love. I know they’re meant to build me up. I know you’re just trying to let me know that you’re proud of me. But friends, sometimes these words crush my heart. These words and these…

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Spinning Tires

Spinning Tires

It’s currently 4:24am and it’s one of those nights when I just can’t seem to fall asleep. My mind begins racing each time I close my eyes. Most of these thoughts are flashbacks, and not of the pleasant kind. They’re the memories that I try hardest not to fall into during the day because if I do, it’s hard to function. The feelings provoked by certain recollections about losing Ava are ones I couldn’t explain regardless of how hard I…

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Grieving and Grateful

Grieving and Grateful

Thanksgiving should be a time to reflect on all of the blessings that the past year has brought, and to be honest I really have to stop and dig deep to remember the things I have to be thankful for. To put it bluntly, I feel like life stabbed a knife in our hearts this past July and has been slowly twisting it ever since. It’s been one thing after another, after another, after another. But I’m learning that while…

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Wishing Away The Holidays

Wishing Away The Holidays

We got our first taste of what holidays are going to be like without Ava on Halloween yesterday. I really didn’t think Halloween would bother me too much since I’ve never been a big fan of the holiday anyway. My goal over the last month has just been to get through October 25th; Ava’s due date. Part of me believed that once I was past the day she should have been born that a small weight would be lifted off…

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Leah’s “Capture Your Grief: Day 4. Support Circles”

Leah’s “Capture Your Grief: Day 4. Support Circles”

I’ve had a terrible day, and I don’t feel much like writing. It’s been one of those days where everything hit me all at once and I broke. Most days I usually force myself to get up and do something, anything to feel at least somewhat productive each day. Today, I did nothing. I laid in bed, and I let the tears flow freely. It was one of those days where I felt like losing Ava wasn’t ever going to…

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Leah’s “Capture Your Grief: Day 2. Who They Are”

Leah’s “Capture Your Grief: Day 2. Who They Are”

Aveline Mae Thompson. Who is she? She is my first born. She is forever 34 hours and 41 minutes old. She is her daddy’s girl – evident by her firm grasp to his finger, her reaching arms for his hand. She is beautiful brown hair, soft skin, perfect little nose and lips. She is a fighter – she held onto life long enough to meet our family, long enough to allow us to embrace her beauty and her presence. She…

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Leah’s – “Capture Your Grief – Day 1. Sunrise Dedication”

Leah’s – “Capture Your Grief – Day 1. Sunrise Dedication”

Sunrise: 7:41 am in Mattawan, Michigan. Beautiful, isn’t it? It seems like Michigan never fails to disappoint its residents in terms of weather. I woke up frantic because it seemed like I had been sleeping forever, and I was worried we had missed the sunrise. Thankfully, it was only 7:25 am. Ryan and I dragged ourselves out of bed and stepped outside. It was gloomy and our house is surrounded by trees, making it almost impossible to see a glimpse…

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dreaming of a future

dreaming of a future

It’s mind blowing to me how much grief is ever-changing. The first few weeks after Ava died, my grief tended to focus on my yearning to hold her, feed her, watch her sleep, and hold her little hands. I imagined her solely in her newborn state; completely dependent on mommy and daddy for everything. Tiny and helpless. Initially it was hard to imagine Ava as anything other than a newborn baby. I didn’t envision her as a toddler learning to…

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Proceed with caution: I’m feeling cranky.

Proceed with caution: I’m feeling cranky.

I’ve dreaded writing lately. Yet another problem with a public blog; everyone can read it — this includes family members, friends, people who’ve hurt you, people you’re angry with, people you’ll hurt if you write exactly how you feel. I truly have always been a peacekeeper (certain people will disagree, but I think it’s true). Sometimes I voice my opinion about things that upset me or things I don’t agree with, but 99% of the time, I eventually give in…

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Four Years

Four Years

Tomorrow is our four year anniversary. It feels like forty years; for so many reasons. The story of Ryan and I meeting and “dating” is a complicated one. We entered the relationship equally broken, but in different ways. I had a history of bad relationships, and he had a history of drug abuse. A match made in hell. As it always goes, our relationship was perfect for the first couple of years. Hopeless romantics. Meant to be. So in love….

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